This tool will help you come back to each other, without fixing, defending, or giving your opinion. There are two rounds so each of you gets to speak and be heard. First, tell us your names.
This isn't about resolving anything right now. It's about being heard, and hearing. Save the problem-solving for when you're both calmer.
In the heat of an argument, you can't listen properly. Neither of you can think clearly right now, and that's not a failing — it's just how nervous systems work. Pick something that works for you both and take a few minutes before you start.
One specific moment. What happened and what it brought up. Two or three sentences, no more.
One specific moment only. No backstory, no "and another thing." Just what happened and what it brought up in you. Keep it to two or three sentences.
Your only job is to stay present. Don't plan your reply. Just receive what's being said.
Not your response. Not a correction. Just show your partner they've been heard.
Only reflect what you actually heard. Don't add your interpretation or your side yet. Ask if you got it right, and mean it.
Did they get it? Say yes, or say what they missed — one thing only. No expanding into new territory yet.
If something was missed, the reflection is simply repeated. No debating.
Same structure, same rules. Speak from inside your own experience — not about what they did, but about what it brought up in you.
One specific moment. Your feeling. What you needed or were trying to protect. Two or three sentences.
Your turn to just receive. No planning a reply. Stay present with what's being said.
Same as before. Show your partner they've been heard before anything else happens.
Only reflect what you heard. Don't add your side yet. Ask if you got it right.
Did they get it? Say yes, or say what they missed — one thing only.
No debating. If something was missed, the reflection is simply repeated.
Each of you names one thing you understand about the other's experience that you didn't before. This isn't the same as agreeing.
One thing only. It doesn't have to be a revelation — small recognition matters.
One thing only. In your own words.
You've just done something most couples find hard: you slowed down, listened, and let yourselves be heard. That takes more than most people manage in the heat of a moment.
You don't need to resolve anything else today. If something important came up that needs more space, bring it to your next session.
Talk to John about couples counselling →